Losing control

Last night was rough.

I felt like my life was completely spinning out of control. It's been something that has been gaining momentum. I know that God has been teaching me about time and priorities this term. I knew that from the onset. But I just felt like I was failing. And flailing.

Try as I might, I could not seem to organize my life in a way that reflected where my heart's priorities lay. I spend copious amounts of time on school work, and am not seeing fruit. In fact, I think I've been working / reading more than I ever have in my Carleton career and I feel as if I'm doing as badly as I ever have here. I have wanted to spend an hour a day with God. Not because it's a formula, not because God can't work otherwise. But for the simple fact that if I can't give God one hour of my day, then what does that say about my priorities? What does that say about where I'm investing my time?

So following a late night conversation with bestestbud, I got real with God. Francis told me before we stopped chatting to "cast your cares on the Lord". So I did. And He responded instantly. INSTANTLY. With one way of reorganizing my time that would free up something like half my afternoons. Talk about an instant answer to prayer.

Today was a turning point, too. A five minute walk became a fifteen minute walk as I talked to God. And He dropped this question into my heart:

Are you going to let your circumstances affect your joy, or your joy affect your circumstances?
It was both humbling and exciting at the same time. There it was. Not a "giddy optimism". But a steadfast knowledge in knowing that the Creator of the Heavens and the earth cared for me. Who am I that You are mindful of me? And still you know me. You know the inner turmoil of this tiny speck of dust.

Tonight Mustard Seed was a blast. It was my first time leading Mustard Seed "proper" - meaning at the Cave - this whole term. But it wasn't because of that that I was excited. It wasn't because we had had great practices, or a new drummer, or that a whole bunch of St Olaf people were there. I was excited because I knew who I was in God. I knew that I had a joy that was not affected by my circumstances. A joy that the world cannot take away and that the world cannot understand.

So, I'm still trying to figure out how I'm going to make it through the rest of this term. It's 5th week. I'm about halfway there. It's going to be challenging. And exciting. And I want to be able to truly say that I count it all joy when I fall into various trials because the testing of my faith produces patience. "But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him."

I don't know what the next five weeks hold. But I do know that God has reached down from eternity and repositioned me so that I am looking at His face and not my own problems.

See, maybe to lose my life is to gain it. And if I'm going to be losing control, who better to lose it to than Jesus?