Ready for home (or stream of consciousness or the rare introspection)

I'm ready to come home. I'm ready for chicken rice. I'm ready for no more cooking. I'm ready for no more classes and finals and studying. I'm ready to take a break from life here. For a while at least.

It's so strange though. That my life is part here part there. It's almost like I can escape one part for a bit and then come back to it later. It's weird. It's not real. But it is.

I miss my friends from home. I wonder how everyone is doing? I wonder how much of relationships is based on proximity. Out of sight, out of mind? Or does absence really make your heart grow fonder? What makes people click no matter how far apart they are? What happens when my friends graduate from Carleton? How much will I have to show for the time and energy I have invested into relationships here in the US? Or in Penang? Nothing lasts. Right? But then isn't the impact we make on other people one of two things that last? That you can take with you?

How many people have I impacted? Is it just a prideful "how many people can Josh impact" contest with myself? Or is it really motivated by a desire to show God's love? To the extent that you don't control people is the extent of how much they will be able to love you. I guess that's a paraphrase. Love and control are inversely correlated. The paradox of a Christian life. The paradox of God.

I am writing a song called Paradoxical God. People think it's a weird word to sing. I think it's cool. And true. Beauty for ashes. Joy for pain. We lose our life to gain it.

What satisfies me? Is it only God? That's what I claim. But is it true? Do people fulfill me? Do achievements become my obsession?

I miss home. I do. But then I don't at the same time. Because things in Penang seem foreign at times. But then again, they don't. Wow. Talk about confusion. Aren't I pass that stage? That's like SOOO teenage. :D haha.

I'm leading songs I don't know tomorrow at Rejoice. I miss FGAC. Not that I don't like Rejoice. But it's so different. I want to be challenged. I want to hear new revelation. I want to be excited about receiving the word of God. But is my focus wrong? Should I not be "I want"ing? Where is the line between going to church to receive and going to church to serve? How do you know you are not dependent on one more than the other? And if you don't go to church to receive, then WHERE do you receive? It's different than devotional times. It's different, believe me.

People. All these people I'm meeting and connecting with. Why? What? What to expect? What do I expect? How much of this lasts? How much of it counts in the big picture? In eternity?

Wow.